Slay your advice monster and become a more effective leader
And a more effective manager, coach, and even parent
We all wanna help.
We wanna teach, advise, correct, inspire, re-direct, share our hard-earned wisdom, and at times give someone a metaphorical smack upside the head to knock some sense in ‘em.
Becoming “the advice monster” is seductive and feels natural, but it doesn’t work. (Check out my 2022 blog on why most advice is useless.)
It doesn’t work even when you are doing the brave thing and holding someone accountable.
Telling someone what to do is not how people learn—not in the workplace, in golf, anywhere. It just puts people in their heads, on the defensive, and it can make you sound like a nagging know-it-all.
Acting like a coach is, however, a model that makes a difference, as numerous studies have proven. A coach draws out the brilliance in people, and holds a mirror to them so they can see themselves more clearly.
How can you act like a coach?
Rather than tell someone what to do or what they did wrong, ask questions.
This is the model that I learned in the ManKind Project, as well as from Fred Shoemaker for golf. (More on Fred’s approach later this week.)
My faith in the model was re-enforced in reading coaching expert Michael Bungay Stanier’s book, The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever.
According to MBS, as he’s know, the best way to coach someone is to start by simply asking, “What’s on your mind?”
This immediately empowers the person. With this question, you have, in effect, told the person that ‘you’re important and what is going on for you is important to me.’
It also creates a safe environment for the person to possibly share what’s swirling around in their heads and troubling them. They will also likely intuit from the context of your conversation that their world has an affect on your world.
Your only job is to listen. Resist interrupting, correcting, or editorializing or you risk stopping the person from self-processing, which is the objective. Stopping yourself from directing the person is often the hardest part.
When the person is done talking, you will surely wanna jump in with your stuff. Don’t. Instead, ask: “And what else?”
This shows you are listening and provides the person with a greater sense of empowerment and safety. And it allows the person to go deeper. If necessary, keep asking “and what else” until their cup is emptied.
By asking questions, you are creating the space for the person to self-process, and deal with whatever is coming up for them. This allows them to learn from their own experience, which leads to genuine and long-lasting change.
At this stage, you may be wondering how do you—say, as a manager, a leader, a parent—impart your hard-earned wisdom that will enhance the person’s learning and perhaps influence their behaviours?
By asking this brilliant question: ‘How can I help?’
Again, you have empowered the person. You have invited the person to seek your assistance. If they ask for your help, have at it. But rather than telling the person what to do, as in ‘you should … ,’ try using “I” instead. Speak from your experience.
Of course, if the person is quite obviously not taking responsibility for actions that have negative consequences for you or the organization, you must hold the person accountable. Interestingly, you can also use a question approach for accountability. (I coach accountability processes in my workshops.)
If you follow the ask-questions model, don’t be surprised if the person starts making progress toward a new way of being that includes taking responsibility.
It’s a foreign experience for most leaders, but by asking questions, you’ll empower people to learn and grow more effectively. And it saves you from being the advice monster.
See Bungay-Stanier’s full list of coaching questions below.
In my Commit to Freedom: The Key to Peak Performance workshops, I coach organizations on how to create and sustain an effective culture of commitment, integrity, and accountability. For information, send an email to tim@oconnorgolf.ca.
THE SEVEN ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS
According to Michael Bungay Stanier from his book,
The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever
1. WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND?
The Kickstart Question
2. AND WHAT ELSE?
The AWE Question
3. WHAT’S THE REAL CHALLENGE HERE FOR YOU?
The Focus Question
4. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
The Foundation Question
5. HOW CAN I HELP?
The Lazy Question
6. IF YOU’RE SAYING YES TO THIS, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING NO TO?
The Strategic Question
7. WHAT WAS MOST USEFUL FOR YOU?
The Learning Question
For more information, visit www.mbs.works.